5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
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Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
I triple dog dare you to paint my shutters and stain my front porch for me.
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
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April 1st is the class clown of days.
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
peep davidson
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.