Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.

*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.

listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you

Adopt your boss.

They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.

WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?

SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.

I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks

billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.

Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it

Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.

My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING

I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point

*first day as a vegan*

“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”

Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.

Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio

*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.

*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it

Me: *destroys spider web

Spider: wow

Me: *puts up fake spider web

Spider: WOW

Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget

That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.

How to woo a woman

my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.

Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.

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-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.

george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.

No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.

Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.

If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified

The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.

But is it really??

They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.

exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out