5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
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Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.
“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.
“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”
At least he biked 12 blocks?
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
My mood ring just jumped into the trash compactor.
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.