5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?

Me: To look pretty.

5: But she’s already pretty.

Me: Aww.

5: Dad, you should wear makeup.

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Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat


People are too casual about the fact that parrots can talk


*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*

Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy


Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.


Can you imagine how awesome sprinkles would be if they tasted like anything?!


My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer


Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try


“For God’s sex, stop making fun of my English.”



a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her


Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.