5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?

Me: To look pretty.

5: But she’s already pretty.

Me: Aww.

5: Dad, you should wear makeup.

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so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july


Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.


She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating site

But soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.


Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.


“work hard so your future self can live a good life”

pfft, what has he ever done for me?


*flashlight under chin*

Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.

*all the adults scream*


[Showing a friend around the house]

Me: And THIS is where my 5 yr old eats his popcorn.

*motions to area covered in popcorn.


Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.


GF: there’s somebody in the kitchen!
ME: *already unsheathing my blade* that’s where the food is


KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant