5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
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Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?