@PJTLynch
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
@XplodingUnicorn
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
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@PJTLynch
@ncm0611
People are too casual about the fact that parrots can talk
@SteveRyanComedy
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
@simoncholland
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
@HatesNiceThings
Can you imagine how awesome sprinkles would be if they tasted like anything?!
@BwanaChris
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
@lisaxy424
Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
@iGreenMonk
“For God’s sex, stop making fun of my English.”
#WhereEnglishFails
@rachelle_mandik
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
@UncleBob56
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.