5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
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Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
hey girl, let’s crawl into the bottom of a sleeping bag together and romantically pretend we just got swallowed by Jaws
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!
Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.
3 y/o: what?
Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
edward cullen in class having to learn about the spanish influenza for the 57th time like it wasn’t the thing that killed him
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.