Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.

When my wife says “Guess what today is.”

She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.

Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.

Them: well which is it?

Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head

Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry

ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*

Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.

Me, reading some of your tweets

The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say

when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there

being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you

me: we should have a housewarming party

dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now

Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals

ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*

MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?

ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships

BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.

I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.

Hey i am sexy to you now

I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.

My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.

waiter: what would you like for breakfast?

me: toast

waiter: that’s weird but ok

[taps glass with fork]

waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends

Me: *cutting fingernails*

Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails

oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire

My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is

KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks

ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog

Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.

mugger: how much you got

me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar

I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.

I’m like an Almostradamus.

8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”

Me: “Not this tired.”

I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.