Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cashier: do you need bags?

Me: do any of us NEED anything?

Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too

Me: plastic please

The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.

Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place

While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!

My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.

LAUGHING.

When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.

[arguing w girlfriend]

Her: I feel like we have communication problems.

Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.

‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂

Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women

My boyfriend & I each had a cat when we moved in together. Normally, mine sits with me and his sits with him. But tonight we are sitting in each others chairs, so now we are sitting with each others cats.

Turns out, our cats are attached to the spots they sit, not us at all 😂

[wine and cheese]

HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?

370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks

Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.

[presentation]

GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?

ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?

Have you tried locking him in your trunk?

They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.

Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.

Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.

SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment

ME: what if it’s sent by ship?

SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo

totally get it, nature valley bar, i also pretend to be healthy and then crumble under the slightest pressure

My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.

I didn’t even know I had a wife.

[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*

HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*

ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*

17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.

hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive

Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa

[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head

Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?

Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.

The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the room

Me to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT

Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.

Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza

Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?

4: I was hungry

Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?

4: because there was pizza

For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.