5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
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no one:
no one:
8: if there is a Hell, I’d like to take a tour
Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
Attacked by a mop.
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COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
I was introduced to a baby recently by her parents; the mother told me “she doesn’t do anything, or know anything”
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.