Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill

I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face

“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.

I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.

Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.

I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.

her: do carrots help your eyesight

me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen

At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.

I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.

*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.

me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?

Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing

First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing

Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?

[interviewing to be a lifeguard]

me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶

interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?

I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.

My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.

My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff

i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them

Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.

Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.

PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic

Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*

Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*

Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*

“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.

Genie: You have 3 wishes.

I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.

Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.

Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.

Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.

son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult

I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.

When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..