5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
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Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
Accurate
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
He’s making a list,
And checking it twice,
You’re gonna find number 12
Very hard to believe.
Santa Clause is working
for Buzzfeed.
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise
Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
liiiiiiiiike
