Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.

[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.

Him: *breaks down crying

There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.

I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?

In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.

Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye

7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked

Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.

2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth

Random dm guy: What are you wearing?

Me: A scathing look of disdain

*sips iced coffee*

man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately

*has another iced coffee*

I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night

*chugs redbull*

my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare

*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*

Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something

Ouija board: s o m e t-

Wife: that’s him

I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.

Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.

Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?

Me: Can you do MyFitnessPal with me?

Husband: *immediately loses 8lbs*

[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudoku

OTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku

ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy

“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.

Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.

I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.

Apologies to our waitress Amy who said to my dad, “wanna box for the leftovers?” and he replied, “no, but I’ll wrestle you for them” hope we tipped enough

i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time

*Password must be hard to guess*

New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?

“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”

The 9 levels of midwestern anger

9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”

My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.

Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…

Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.

guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name

I’m cryingdjdjdhj and she was serious too 😭😭😭

ㅤ