5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
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My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
if I’m ever found dead in the woods, it’s probably because I was trying to pet a bear.
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
When the moon hits your eye
Like it’s 5:45,
That’s November
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
I was just at my neighbors house with my kids and a bunch of other neighbor kids and the host asked a 3yo if she could get her anything and the girl goes “could you bake a pie?”
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.