Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?

3yo: *sneezes*

I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them

One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.

It didn’t work, unfortunately.

They found us.

Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool

At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?

[watching Tangled with my Daughter]

Daughter: dada

Me: yes?

Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?

Me: I mean-I do now.

[breaking up yet another fight]

Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?

6-year-old: Because I always win.

Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?

So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.

him: how long for a table

me: they’re about 5 ft across

him: no the wait

me: about 78 lbs

My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.

Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.

“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*

“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*

“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*

Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro

Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.

I was in the first Top Gun movie.

I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.

My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.

Home Alone (1990)

A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives

At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.

Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”

“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads

Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..

Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..

My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.

“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”

Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.

Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.

Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.

Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-

Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion

Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?

He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.