5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
![]()
You Might Also Like
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
Guys, I found it.
![]()
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”![]()
![]()
![]()
![]()
Gotta say, as a Canadian, watching this season of America has been absolutely riveting. Kudos to the writers.
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
This motivates me more than any other cute quote or motivation pics! study cause u ugly
#getstudying #college
![]()
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!