Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sticker placement is key.

My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.

A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.

Me: I lost 35 pounds today.

Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?

For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.

Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.

I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.

My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.

My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated

*wakes up in cremation oven*

Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!

No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.

Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…

[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?

Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.

Not to brag, but my best yoga pose is awkward facing dog.

Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy

Parents: omg yes

Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.

“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.

I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.

Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace

Me: *writing notes* international bees only

thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.

Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait

Vitamins aren’t real. There’s no way I’m getting the same shit from lettuce, the sun, and a Monster energy drink

Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.

Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION

Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.

Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY

If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.

Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*

Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.

If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.

No, YOU’RE a child!