Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”

They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)

I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.

Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”

I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.

Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.

My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.

triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit

I like to diffuse situations with humor

And a machete

darth vader: i killed three planets

thanos: i killed half the universe

voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times

thanos: a kid, really

darth vader: wow

voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay

My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday

Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah

I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet

My clothes don’t fit anymore.

There’s only one possibly explanation.

America is shrinking my clothes.

This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.

I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name

I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.

[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling*

*Scrolling*

*Scrolling*

*Very slight chuckle*

*Scrolling*

Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.

Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?

Wife: No.

Son: Why not?

Wife: You want to jump in here?

Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.

If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.

Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂

Cilantro tastes like soap.

– People who eat soap, apparently

Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]

Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight

Squirrels before girls.

Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.

#CarrotDay

Why are Facebook divorce announcements always like “it is with great sadness we have decided to end our journey together to take our own paths” and not “I can’t stand Cody anymore” or “We can no longer tolerate being in the same room any longer”?

“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon

When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:

‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’

Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?

Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.

The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work

The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.