5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
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Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
There’s not gonna be a civil war. None of us can afford to take that much time off work
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
Caught my daughter eating 6 mini cupcakes and I should probably ground her but if you think about it it’s really like 2 cupcakes so I’m fine with it.
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*