Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times

[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*

My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.

Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind

“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”

[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”

My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.

Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.

[first day as an architect]

boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”

me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”

boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”

me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*

Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes

Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom

the devil works hard but the single multivitamin i take after making unhealthy choices for weeks works harder

I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.

I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”

If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.

Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.

Do you believe in aliens ?

If so , do they have genitals?

I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website

Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.

He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.

He’s a stable genius.

Had sex with a condom tonight.

Maybe next time it will be with a girl.

Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-

Me: I have a grandma.

cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me

Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.

A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon

Me: somebody stole my stapler

HR: you’re working from home

how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose

It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.

3yo: Mommy I peed in the bathroom!

Me: That’s great pal! …. Wait in the toilet?

3:…

Me: Did. You. Pee. In. The. Toilet?

3:…

I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels

Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.

one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”

Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.