5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
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Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
The evening news…
Where they begin with “Good evening,” and then proceed to tell you why it is not.
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
In my 20’s: might hit the club tonight.
In my 40’s: might go to the grocery store to listen to some bangers.
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
Ninety-five percent of my new follows are beautiful Russian women, which tells me one thing. I’ve still got it!
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
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