5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
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Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
“What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”
Well I sure as shit felt better at 21 so imma call bullshit
[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
need a SPY 2 where Melissa McCarthy and Jason Statham go undercover as Olympics breakdancers from a made-up country
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
My whole life was a lie.
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
Wicked Witch: “I’ll get you and your little dog too!”
Toto: “Da f**k I do?”
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
No I don’t watch TikToks, I watch Instagram reels of Tiktok videos that were popular two weeks ago, like a grown up
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.