5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
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“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
At the urinal in an I-95 rest stop bathroom:
Siri’s voice (from my back pocket): Turn left.
Man to the left of me: Please don’t.
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.