Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*buys shed at B&Q*

B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?

Me: No, it’s going in the garden.

B&Q:

Me:

B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.

Death is not the end.

You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.

[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.

Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.

Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.

“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”

“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”

*David hangs up*

Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.

everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful

“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’

me irl

Welcome to your 40’s, or as I call it “Two Leonardo DiCaprio Girlfriends”

me: so where do you go to school

new babysitter: It’s private

me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone

I get Bi with a little help from my friends.

Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot

gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start

[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]

peter jackson: great scene

sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”

Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles

My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.

Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!

The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.

I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.

Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.

Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?

Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?

CEO: Genius!

Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?

Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.

Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.

Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!

I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.

doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on

me: probably since the summer of 2015

Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage

Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?

the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy