5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
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It’s so hot outside that when I opened my front door I thought I was checking on my cornbread
*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
My dream is to buy a horse and race it. The horse will probably beat me but it’ll still be fun
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
