5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
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dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
My manifesto is mostly just pizza topping ideas.
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
someone interviewed me once and i said, “remember blogs and forums in the mid-2000s?” and he said “haha, no i was a baby”
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.