5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
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Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
You know what I respect about Shaquille O’Neal? He endorses and invests in everything. Gold Bond? Yes. Papa John’s? Hell yeah. Epson printers? You know it. I just saw his name on an office chair at Office Depot. This man owns 150 Five Guys. That’s 750 guys
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
#Caturday
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
I think adulthood is realizing that I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
At George Orwell’s grave yesterday an American lady asked us how, if he died in 1940 (not the worst bit of this story), did he write a book in 1984…
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
Ladies, why y’all do this?
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
It’s only 9am, & I’ve already ruined my son’s entire life by giving him the banana with the brown spot on it.
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
Hamburger Hinderer.
