5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
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After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
DADDY! You said the S word.
With Bull in front of it.
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
9: dad I don’t want to sleep in my room alone tonight. Can I sleep with you and mom?
me: aw bud, it’s okay. You won’t be alone in your room. There’s plenty of ghosts in there to keep you company.
9: MOM!
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
My dad told us with complete confidence and authority that cake batter was dangerous to kids but not adults and we watched him lick the beaters for *years* before questioning how exactly that worked.
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
Never forget.