Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man

Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!

“Sir we don’t …”

Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?

honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah

henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back

Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years

Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.

They’re dead.

Friend: check out my conscience shell

Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*

Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing

INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?

I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.

A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.

Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..

I can’t figure out why my son hates me.

Tim hates you?

No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”

Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.

Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.

I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong

I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.

She turned around and found out I was walking her home.

GF: Can I have some almonds?

Me: Sure I’m done with them.

GF: These are good!

Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.

I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials

In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.

interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired

me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood

me: I was busted by the cops

friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine

I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.

Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.

“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”

My retirement plan is to become a cat.

Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away

this is supposed to be an 18 year old

be safe out there!

I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.

BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.