Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭

Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.

[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now

CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!

ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.

EXCALIBUR: Ok

If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do

[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire

Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.

I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.

Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!

My wife: Yeah, like his dad

Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*

Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!

I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.

Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions

you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.

“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]

*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*

*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*

Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry

Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?

Me: (singing along with the car radio)

Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?

Me: No, why?

Friend: So you don’t have to.

Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago

Me: If you love something you have to let it go.

Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese

My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.

The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.

A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself

We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over. 

But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.

When I sprayed my foot with tinactin my 6yo asked what it was for and I told him athletes foot then he said “but daddy you’re not an athlete” and I am so sad that he’ll never understand how sick the burn was that he delivered.

If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars

Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.

Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.