Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!

Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.

Actual air attendant:

“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”

Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him

How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars

Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”

In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:

“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”

Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.

WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.

I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.

Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.

Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.

Cop: why were you speeding

Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me

BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!

when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog

SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.

I don’t have time to get to know you

Be cool immediately

I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi

At the grocery store but forgot my wife’s list so I guess I’ll just follow this other guy around and get what he gets.

The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.

Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”

Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”

Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”

Jus’ sayin. 😐

son: dad sing me a song

me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS

wife from the other room: JEANS

me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR

wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR

me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER

Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined

Me: no

[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes

[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute

*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”

Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.

As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.

Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.

The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.

“We know, dear.”

Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.