5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
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Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
Sign at work today
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.