Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost

Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator

Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!

accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening

Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it

Boss: why are your eyes red?

Me: I got shampoo in them

Boss: we’ve talked about this

Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes

Boss: mhm

Me: but you can’t deny this volume

Boss: oh I am painfully jealous

Wife: Can you make the bed

Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon

WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?

SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.

I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.

I kneaded that.

Ya’ll ok with me grating a lil bit of my finger into this cheese for the casserole? Too late.

Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.

ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature

CEO: That’s a great idea

ME: Call it ClinkedIn

CEO: Get out!

Don’t frighten the programmers!

The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.

Day 5 of self quarantine:

My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children

Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.

You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.

[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-

Being married to me:

Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me

Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”

Me:

At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.

me: *making sandcastles with my sister*

my mom: *takes away the urn*

#TopTip

Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.

If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff

“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*

“age is just a number” yeah the older i get the number i feel

I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.

My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.

Nobody ever collects famous first words.

Survival Tip:

If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.

Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something

Ouija board: s o m e t-

Wife: that’s him