5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
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My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
tbh a witch could catch me like hansel and gretel just by making her house out of crab rangoon.
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
sometimes when I don’t want to pay the $100 therapy copay I go to my friend’s house and talk extra loud until her husband who’s working on his psych PhD goes “do you mind if I say something”
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.