5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
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My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
twitter users today:
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
Sure, I have a talent for shirking, but it’s not like I didn’t have to work at it too.