5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
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wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
Have a lovely day 😊
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never