Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.

Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.

*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.

Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?

[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?

[typing ellipses for a solid minute]

HER: yes

I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.

When I said I liked it rough.

Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.

Friend- Are you tired?

Me- Nope, just ugly.

I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.

How to tell if your wife is mad at you

1. She is

fr

Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.

Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.

It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.

What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?

Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case

Word: sweet, I’ll change the font

Me: no no keep the font

Word: ok I’ll just change the size

Me: please keep the size the same

Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol

Dentist: “That’s the biggest cavity I’ve ever seen. That’s the biggest cavity I’ve ever seen.”

Patient: “I heard you the first time. You didn’t have to say it twice.”

Dentist: “I didn’t. That was my echo.”

You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?

A book.

literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia

Not looking for a sugar daddy, but something more of a pay pal.

I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”

The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early

Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.

Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.

Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.

[SPELLING BEE]
“Your word is HOTELIER”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“I bet my hotel is hotelier than yours”

this isn’t threatening at all

Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined

It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money

Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical