5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
You Might Also Like
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
hi why am I like this
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
[in the bedroom]
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: whoops my bad
HER: and in my eye
ME: sorry I can’t control it
HER: have you ever painted before
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?
Nice to finally get back that hour they stole earlier this year.
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!