5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
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My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
When Dr. Pimple Popper squeezed people’s pimples for fun, they thanked her and gave her a tv show… but when I do it, I’m “violating boundaries” and “committing simple assault”, and “not a dermatologist”.
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
ME: and the hell, is it fresh?
2025: oh yes, the freshest
ME: wonderful, and is that my…
2025: your handbasket, yes
#oldknees
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you