5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
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Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
*checks Timeline*…
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
BRO LMFAO
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no