Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.

*takes everything personally

Everyone: hey, give me that back!

5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.

inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?

*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*

X-tra spooky blend

According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.

[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out

Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.

I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.

i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.

Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.

[1st Date]

Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…

Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?

I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.

when my brother was at the height of his teenage boy gym phase he used to get a rotisserie chicken and sit out the front of the house sharing it with like 4 different cats and the neighbours dog. was actually very beautiful

[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”

I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”

Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard

There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.

JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head

Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.

me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you

bf: haha I know right

I was with someone that did mushrooms yesterday that told me they could, like, *hear* sounds and I didn’t have the heart to tell them that’s how I receive sounds too

A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.

well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high

This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like

Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.

Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.

As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.

Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?

Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.

Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?

Date: I don’t see a future for us.