5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.
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Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
it’s soup season and this is my favorite soup
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
My brother said he wants to have eight or nine more kids. I said, “Wow, instead of having nephew, I’ll have neph many!”
He said, “You’re living proof that uncle jokes are even worse than dad jokes.”
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.