5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.

Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.

5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.

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I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.


I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?


Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom


It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.


guy: my dog just died

girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog


I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.


I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.


*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*

Where’s the shit you made me at school?


If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.


“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”

-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie