Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong

I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.

We are going to watch tv.

Nobody seems more shocked, disappointed and dismayed than the person behind the Post Office counter when I arrive and say I’ve got something to post.

My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer

My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.

My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough

I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.

If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.

All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.

Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.

Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.

In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.

I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…

… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.

A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera

My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down

If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.

Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.

me: that guy is half drunk

Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him

ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]

GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?

E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.

GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?

Do I speak Spanish?

Oui!

[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt

Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.

employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!

employee: i’m sick

employer: how sick?

Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]

Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!

I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!

Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!

bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore

He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets

*eats 14th Oreo cookie*

My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.

federal employees putting floppy discs into their work computers from 1996 and watching people accuse the government of having the technology to create hurricanes

*accidentally answers phone call*

*pretends to be answering machine*