Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

these two trucks have the same bed length

If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.

My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.

Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!

Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?

Gandalf:

Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way

Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?

‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid

“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.

My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?

Me: Wait til after dinner

Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!

I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.

*jumps into an open grave to avoid small talk at a funeral*

[before sex]

Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador

Her: why’s that?

Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags

Ghost: Death is coming for you

Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous

They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.

LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.

My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…

Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN

me: hi

Danny Devito: well hello there

My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”

And so, I am never going to work again.

Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.

If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.

by accepting their pardons the turkeys are admitting guilt

Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.

The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.

When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself

” What would Homer Simpson do?”

I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.

“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation

whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary

Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?

Boss: did you turn your office into a ball pit?

Me [rising from the bottom of the ball pit] this could’ve been an email

Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.

A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.