Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.

Me: I said you can’t eat candy.

4-year-old: I’m not eating it.

Me: I see it in your mouth.

4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.

There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil

my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die

My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.

A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.

I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend

My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days

there are only 2 kinds of mayors: the kind you hate for ruining your city and your job and your life. and dogs

me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it

my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill

My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.

Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?

8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.

every video on here is a staged fight called something like “Was the Nurse Right to Yell at the Patient🤔” with 1.3M comments that say “imho if I were the nurse i would yell at the patient”

I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.

The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.

God: you can sting people more than once.

Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.

God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.

Bee: what’s up?

God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.

Wasp:

I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.

Worst ways to die

1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose

Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it

I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”

I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.

Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.

If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.

my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom

Today, I want to talk about underperforming continents. Antarctica, explain yourself.

once I posted “it’s funny how ‘the Hague’ is like the only city that randomly decided to give itself a definite article” and everyone was like “don’t you live in Los Angeles”

The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.

$3 #books

APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too

Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list

My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”

Me: Sure.

[BANG]

Me: it’s 4 35 pm.