5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
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Kids, do not try this at home!
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
Someone has just suggested that when we check-in cases, we should put a label on them that states their destination. Absolute game changer.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
beginning to understand why deer throw themselves in front of cars
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!
Me: So after this Imma call you my stentist.
Cardiologist: Ok so no surgery for you.
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.