5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
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As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
stalking her spotify playlists on the desktop version and looking at each date a song was added and cross referencing it with my own perceived timeline of events then analyzing the data and making assumptions that are probably incorrect because idk i have a lot of issues
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
my friend taps me on the shoulder and whispers “you might not think your face conveys how much you hate this, but i need you to know it does”
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
I love it
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
them: do you have big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
This Turtle was Found by U.S. Coast Guard with $53 million Worth of Cocaine Attached to It.
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em