5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
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da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
Reminds me of the old Steven Wright joke about a baby with a diary. “Day 1: Still tired from the move. Day 2: Everybody talks to me like I’m an idiot”
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,
My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.