Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*

Kids: We want a kitten!

Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?

The MCU should introduce an evil version of Mjölnir that you can only lift if you’re a total jerk.

Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home

I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky

Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.

Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life

Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing

Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says

Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are

Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.

I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.

-me as a witness, describing the murderer

Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.

I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is

From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?

Me: *nods*

Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.

*hears someone breaking into my house*

Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!

By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.

I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.

“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?

Alright hear me out: gigs in the morning. 8am doors, 9am showtime. Coffee at the bar. Church shouldn’t get to corner the market on morning entertainment anymore.

spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower

DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature

MY BRAIN: say you like hiking

MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon

If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”

Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.

Them: *typing professionally on their computer*

Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*

I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.

MEDIA: These mysterious ruins may hold unknown secrets!

ARCHAEOLOGIST: We actually have a pretty decent idea wh-

M: Archaeologists are stumped!

A: No, we have a good amount of evi-

M: Was it even humans?

A: Yes. Yes it was.

M: Perhaps we’ll never know!

A: *screams*

What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since

Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning

I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.

*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.

Just in case to be clear #gbbo