Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.

aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy

Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.

ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember

Tobacco causes Cancer

Alcohol causes Dancer

Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.

Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.

You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.

Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.

wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap

god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast

angel: and so wild

god: only a lunatic would ride one

angel: are you—

god: —ima make a lunatic

I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.

Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.

Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters

I have never related to a cat more

White Castle for the Win

I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.

Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93

When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.

Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.

I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.

Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.

I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug

My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.

scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old

me: i believe it

waiter: this plate is hot

me: yeah right *touches it*

If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.

*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”

*Boyfriend gets in bed*

Him: Wanna fool around?

Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*

” I made my famous dip for the office party”

You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.

“But he wasn’t a chef”

Exactly

Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?

Me: finding the will to get up