5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
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Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
The Wolf of Wall Street.
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
British websites use biscuits.
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
I would’ve gotten away with saving money if it weren’t for those meddling kids!
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!