5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
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You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
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The Book. The Movie.
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
this is how the alphabet looks from above
– – – – – – – – · – – – — – – – – – – – – – — – – –
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
I’ve been reading a book about Orville and Wilbur Wright but, frankly, I’m not that impressed. The author is speculating as to why the brothers never got married. Of course they never got married, they were brothers? Idiot
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*