Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler

An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.

ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.

Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.

GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo

*family screams*

SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people

“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant

Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.

Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water

Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?

Mario: can I buy you a drink?

Peach: ew get a life

Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?

Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake

“Oh, insomnia?”

No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?

i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end

If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee

ME: we need to fight diabetes

INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more

[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”

when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out

I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them

trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff

So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”

I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason

An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.

Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog

I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.

Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:

-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma

“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday

me: *screams*

my husband: goddammit

Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low

Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.