5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
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Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
waiting for halloween be like:
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
*me, drinking my morning coffee in my slippers* I really need to wash some mugs
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.