5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
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I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
who named him groot and not spruce lee
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
if I’m ever found dead in the woods, it’s probably because I was trying to pet a bear.
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.