5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
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“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
if there is a particular food you would like your children to eat less, just go buy a massive box of it at Costco
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Note to self: always read the final line
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
grotesque if literal: baby food
[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too