5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
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The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
Fun Fact: Rudolph isn’t on the Epstein flight logs because he flew there himself.
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
totally get it, nature valley bar, i also pretend to be healthy and then crumble under the slightest pressure
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
My 6yo told me there’s a kid called Mirror in his new class, and I’m not sure if he misheard or that’s just where we are with names now
Her: I love cats
Me: [trying to impress her] me too
Her: what’s your favourite kind
Me: [panicking] uh…doja
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
Ok, mammals, you had your chance. I’m voting for a reptile this year.
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.