Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.

Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.

I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.

Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.

eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots

DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light

DOG DRIVER: it was gray!

COP: no, it was gray!

DRIVER: gray!

COP: *starts barking*

DRIVER: *barking*

Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger

8: YOU stop growing bigger

And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined

(hours before leaving on a road trip)

You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.

Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.

Guy at the airport bar is hitting on my gf directly next to me and i can finally watch youtube videos with both headphones on now that shes occupied

My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom

A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me

I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time

At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids

Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?

Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.

Me typing: univrsity

Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.

Me: Haha oops.

Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”

Me: Why would I say that?

Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.

ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity

ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot

I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids

If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.

Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.

Croutons feel like an apology. “Sorry we gave you salad. Have some consolation toast.”

somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day

So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.

Are you ok?

– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.

I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.

My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.

Delightful if true: booby trap.

Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑

$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.

Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets