Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day

Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.

yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork

Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.

Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.

Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?

I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.

Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.

Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.

Cop: you know why I pulled you over?

Me: You thought I was black?

Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir

Him: Do that thing I hate

Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions

It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”

I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.

If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.

“And there was this one time…”

*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*

Me, giving a wedding toast

“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”

“Live each day like it’s your last”

Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone

Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.

there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples

I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.

There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.

Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed

Nobody:

Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME

“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.

Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.

*trying to write a journal article*

*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*

Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.

I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.

Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!

2022: *Somehow already on fire*

ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt

ME: thanks i worked really hard on it

My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning

88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.