Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.

Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.

Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.

Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.

[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities

If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.

My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.

I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”

So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.

Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms

If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.

UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes

Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.

Husband: We should go to Costco.

Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?

H: I said Costco, not Walmart.

Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*

Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.

#math

Running from your problems is cardio .

self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings

That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth

HR: We need to see you for a moment

Me: Is this about the nail clipping?

He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails

[McDonalds board meeting]

CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?

The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.

Me: Can I leave early today?

Boss: No.

Me: Can you leave early then?

Boss: What?

Me: What?

I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.

Tomorrow is open Mike night.

I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.

Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.

I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.

I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.

Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.

“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats

Funny women are smart. Be careful.

The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.

Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…