Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge

Sis:

M:

S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high

Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.

I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.

So I was passing the bus stop today when I heard a young fella brag to this girl that he doesn’t do afraid. Just as I past them I quickly turned around to him and said Boo. It turns out he does do afraid. 😂😂😂😂

I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.

I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.

I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.

“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”

What are instructions?

“Correct.”

My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”

Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)

I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”

Detective: one of you is the murderer

The actual murderer: *remains calm*

Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*

Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)

9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake

Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)

9: What the heck was that?!

Me: Aftershock

Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]

Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳

Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄

Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️

Bluetick 1: ❤️

Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone

Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without

Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes

Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…

Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.

I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.

2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 Single

Reward me for consistency please

I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.

*walks outside*

Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.

*looks around*

*lights BBQ*

*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*

I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”

blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”

Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL

me: is this vegan friendly?

waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend

Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads

Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.

When I buy a multipack of lip balms, I put one in my purse and scatter the rest randomly around the house to save time from the inevitability of losing them.

I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.

Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account