Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.

Hallmark movie writer’s room:

“Alright, let’s get started.”

(4 minutes later)

“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”

In space, no one can hear…

My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”

Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.

these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro

Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?

*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*

[NASA job interview]

Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!

Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.

Interviewer: Get out.

Date: I know a lot of dance styles

Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too

Date: Any ballroom?

Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit

Date: What

Me: What

Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.

[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ

I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?

Boss: Are you high?

Me: If I was high could I do this?

B: What? You aren’t doing anything

M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?

Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.

To remind myself that I control the list.

When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.

The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.

I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.

Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.

My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look

My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…

I’ve been his customer for 6 years.

I had no idea he was a barber.

Tell the colonel to bring it

Me: Go wake up your mother.

Son: No way man…no way.

Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.

There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:

1. I get distracted.

Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.

I’m offering a new service for billionaires to visit the OceanGate Titan sub wreckage for the low, low price of $250,000.

Something Saturday.

Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.

I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!

Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.