Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Arrested for prank calling police]

Cop: You get one phone call

Me: ok

*cop’s phone rings*

Me: is your refrigerator running

I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.

Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?

I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.

I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.

My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.

This is going to be a meme FOREVER:

Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.

[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]

Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence

not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.

This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”

The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃

Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.

Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.

If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.

Keep it mysterious, ladies…

Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.

Him: Do you want your receipt?

Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.

It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.

if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.

I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.

Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.

BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?

Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.

A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.

Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.

I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.

I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…

and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”

There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy

ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life

ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS

Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.