5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
My 6 year old put a bucket over her head and climbed the new concrete stairs in our backyard. She immediately tripped & scraped her knee. Once the tears had dried, she sat down for some sober reflection and devised a plan to avoid a similar accident in the future: softer stairs
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
rebranding
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
