5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
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my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
I am having an out of money experience.
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
Nothing worse than when I turn up to Park Run to find it is indeed going ahead
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.