5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
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If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
11: dad do you know what 3+3+3+3 is?
Me: 12
11:
Me:
11: ok I was just making sure that you’re not –
Me: choose your next words wisely.
Mine in the November 4, 2024 issue of The New Yorker
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
Boss: What are you working on?
Me: Something I have limited time to finish.
Boss: Oh, okay. I’ll leave you to it, then.
Me: [goes back to Prime Day shopping]
There’s never enough good news
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
They also CAN sing✌️
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
Props to just stopping in the middle of the grocery aisle. Personally never tried it, but it seems big.
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.