Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.

Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.

“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower

sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?

*quits cold turkey*

*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*

Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about

Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.

I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.

Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.

Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show

Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.

The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.

A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.

me: before you hire me, you should know i take things

interviewer: like what?

me: time and care

interviewer: oh haha

me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits

Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.

46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.

saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody cares

saying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant

a lot to unpack here

Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.

January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday

There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.

All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname

Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.

[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz

Shhh!
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-Librarians arguing

It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!

A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook

Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”

I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong

Mick Jagger: “Hey you, get off of my cloud.”

Scotsman: “Hey McCloud, get off of my ewe.”