Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first day as astronaut]

*vomits

Me: That’s normal, right?

Instructor: Not during a written exam, no

I have also decided to not buy Twitter.

♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫

When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”

DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him

ME: cool

[later]

TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?

ME: yeah

TREE: cool just checkin

After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.

I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.

If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.

Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.

What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer

“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears

Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay home

Tomorrow: ok, the floor is lava

I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma

*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean

Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”

[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”

If your so called friends come out of the woodwork when you’re successful I have news for you. Your friends are probably termites. Humans can’t do that. Congrats on the success tho.

I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.

What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.

wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you

When life hands you 3 kids…..

You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.

mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10

me: ok

[later]

me: hey grandma

grandma: hello dear

me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842

i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure

I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.

If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.

omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME

Your honor my client doesn’t like jail

Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster

skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say

me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd