Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Be specific when saying “BYOB”:

[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*

“I know how to make an entrance.”

-guy who builds doors

This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart

If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows

a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.

HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex

ME: we learned a lot though

HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”

PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.

“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend

Desperation

-Fragrance by Social Media

Me, adding fuel to the fire: I’m just here to help

What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓

Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.

if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u

Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.

How I handle confrontation:

Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*

*at the pot store*

Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin

Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.

No one:

Absolutely no one:

My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.

Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.

wife: we should get a pet

me: *nodding* a wolf

wife: are you insane? those are dangerous

me: a large dog

wife: ok thats a good compromis-

me: that hates the moon

i got fired from my marketing job for pitching a reverse Hot Ones where we make famous people drink ten increasingly warm glasses of milk

When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”

Your move, government.

Most people call Fall soup weather or sweater weather, but I prefer to call it electric bill goes down weather.

JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!

*2 hours later has organised a small festival*

Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!

Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol

i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet

You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?

Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…

[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?

Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man

Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-

Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*

Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?

3 year old: I’m thirsty