Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

2020: Everyone needs to count their steps every day!
2025: How walking is actually killing you.

Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*

Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!

There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.

Usually I have to be home for Thanksgiving surrounded by family to see a 27 year old fist fight a 58 year old

Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.

A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.

Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.

Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.

Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.

Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues

The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.

Me: [smiling]

Phone: face not recognized

Me: [stuffing my mouth with tacos]

Phone: oh there you are

“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky

[heaven’s IT department]

Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?

God: Yes, why?

Too many open windows

If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.

i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀

Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️

I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.

ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something

You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.

Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue

im not a nepo baby, im a REPO baby. and i’m seizing your car! UPDATE: i acknowledge my father’s role as Head Repo Man and how that has awarded me certain privileges in my career. I am learning and growing. no you cannot have your car back

Husband made a meme about our baby’s reaction every time he sees the cat

[getting murdered]

me: are u Scottish

murderer: yes

me: then u could say i’m being kilt

[murdering intensifies]

Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages

Don’t listen to gmail, little password. You are strong.

[in the bedroom]

Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.

Me: Okay.

H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*

i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”

date: what do you do

me: i run a non-profit

date: which charity?

me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman

Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy

Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.

The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.

The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.

The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.