Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’m terrible at fractions

Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day

[I walk into my girlfriend’s house where she’s dressed like a cheerleader]: oh sorry you’re watching the game I’ll come back

Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper

live, laugh, laundry.

A bold strategy

love it when they get my name right

My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.

*repeat daily in various scenarios*

[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*

*picking up coins off the dance floor*

I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.

[carnival]

ME: How do I win?

CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table

ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*

CARNIE: Oh shi-

me irl

A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave

An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.

Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.

After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.

My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.

“What did you do?”

We finally found a happy medium

HR says I have to stop switching people’s vapes with kazoos.

My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.

Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy

Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.

Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse

Me: how so?

Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt

Me: ok you win

Posting this on behalf of a friend

me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is

her: ur welcome

me: it really means a lot

My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.

When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?

Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.

I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.

[La Brea Tarpits]

ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times

SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway

“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”

~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…

Again