5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
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Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
Leaving the Barbers like
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting
I used to eat my feelings but now it’s so expensive I might as well go to therapy
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
hydraulic press for headaches
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
