5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
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Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
mom had nothing to worry about
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
A friend sent me this.
Schrodinger’s Immigrant: A person who is simultaneously too lazy to work, but is also stealing your job.
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
I know karate and tons of other words.