5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
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Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
Got talking to a girl last night, asked her name. She said everyone calls me Vivaldi. I said is that because your a great Violinist.
She said no, it’s because my names Viv and I work at Aldi.😳😳
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
Fake assault rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out should be called JK-47s
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
When I tell a joke that doesn’t land, I follow up with a worse one to make my audience realize how good they had it with the first joke.
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck