*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
Free will was a bad idea.
I should have charged for it.
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
tarot lady: someone wants to talk to you
me: stop threatening me
People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”
I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
me in a relationship:
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
